One day a husband and wife were in the bathroom,The wife was getting out of the shower and the husband grabs her boobs and says "If these were firmer you wouldn't need a bra." The wife was repulsed by his behavior and ignores him. The next week the teo are again in the bathroom and while the wife was getting out of the shower he grabs her ass and says "If your ass was firmer you wouldn't need a girdle." The wife is now pissed and is ploting her revenge. One day a week later the husband is getting out of the shower and the wife grabs his dick and says "If this was a little bit bigger I wouldn't need your brother."

A guy finds a magic lamp on the beach. The genie informs him that he gets three wishes, but whatever he gets his ex-wife gets twice as much. "How about $1,000,000?" he asked. "Your ex-wife now has $2,000,000 in her account as well," said the genie. "I've always wanted a Benz, how about that?" "Your wife now has two of those cars." For the last wish he had to think for a minute, "...could you beat me half to death?"

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone." The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone." A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?" The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This small knob is planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new face-lift forever. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with 2 problems. All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

A beautfiul woman walks into a doctors office and the doctor is awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window. He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs. He says "Do you know what I am doing?" She replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities." He tells her to take off her shrit and bra and he starts rubbing her breats. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer." Finally, he tells he takes off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts having sex with her. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies "Yes, getting herpies. That's why I am here."

Four nuns just happened to die at the same time. Outside the pearly gates of heaven, they meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them, "Welcome sisters." He says to the first one, "Before I let you in I have to know, have you ever touched a penis before?" The first sister says, "Yes St. Peter, I have. With my finger." So St. Peter says, "Okay, just dip your finger in the holy water and you're free to go inside." He asks the second sister, "Have you ever touched a penis before?" She says, "Yes, St. Peter, with my hand." So St. Peter says, "Okay, just dip your hand in the holy water and you're free to go inside." St. Peter asks the third nun, "Have you ever touched a penis before?" Just then, the fourth nun pushes the third nun aside and says to St. Peter, "If you think I'm going to gargle with that holy water after she puts her ass in it, you've got another thing coming."

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares I'm of royal blood and an I.Q. of 165, I'd like to make a donation. The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a provate room. 20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?" "I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me? The nurse replied "I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..." She gets on her knees and begins to blow him. "I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"

Sagt sie zu ihrem neuen Bekannten: "Ich weiß gar nicht, was meine Freundinnen an Dir so faszinierend finden?" Er lächelte nur und leckte sich langsam über die Augenbrauen...

A man and little Johnny, his grandson, are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The man takes out a cigarette and lights it. Little Johnny says, "Grandpa, can I try one of your cigarettes?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" the grandfather asks. "No" says Little Johnny. "Then you're not big enough." says the grandfather. A few minutes pass, and the man takes a beer out of his cooler and opens it. Little Johnny says, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" he asks. "No" says Little Johnny. "Then you're not old enough." Time passes and they continue to fish. Little Johnny gets hungry and he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies and eats one. The grandfather looks at him and says, "They look good, can I have one of your cookies?" "Can you touch your asshole with your penis?" asks Johnny. "I most certainly can!" says the grandfather proudly. "Then go fuck yourself," says Johnny, "these are my cookies!"

"Well," said Adam, "She started to bleed. This happens every month or so." "So where is she?" asked God. "Well, she went down to the river to wash up." replied Adam. "Damn," said God, "Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish."

Eine Frau vom Fernsehen soll mit einem Bauern ein Interview machen, um nach den Gründen für BSE zu forschen. "Guten Tag, ich bin hier, um Informationen über die Gründe von BSE zu sammeln. Haben Sie eine Idee, woran es liegen könnte?" Der Bauer starrt die Frau an und sagt: "Wissen Sie, dass der Bulle die Kuh einmal im Jahr fickt?" Reporterin (überrascht): "Äh, nun gut, dass ist ein neues Stück Information, aber was hat dieses Phänomen mit BSE zu tun?" Der Bauer: "Nun Frollein, wissen Sie, dass wir die Kühe 4 mal am Tag melken?" "Mein Herr, dass ist wirklich eine wertvolle Information, aber bitte kommen Sie zum Thema." "Ich komme sofort zum Wesentlichen, meine Dame. Stellen Sie sich vor, ich würde 4 mal am Tag an Ihren Titten spielen und Sie nur einmal im Jahr ficken ... würden Sie dann nicht auch verrückt?"

A guy walks into a bar and sees a big jar crammed full of money, at least $25,000 worth. He asks the bartender, "What's up with the jar?"The bartender replies, "It's the prize for the contest we're having." "Contest? What contest?" "First," the bartender says, pointing to the biggest guy in the place, "you have to go over there and lay him out with one punch. Then, down in the store room, there's a pit bull with a gold molar and you have to extract it. Finally, across the street is an 80 year old lady who hasn't had an orgasm for 65 years... you need to give her one. Do all that and the money is yours!" "Okay," the guy says, "I can do that." He takes a deep breath and summons up all his strength. He goes over to the big guy who the bartender pointed out, takes a mighty swing and lays him out with just one punch. Feeling good, the guy then proceeds down to the store room. For the next half hour, all that can be heard is barking, screaming, growling, and intense shrieks of pain. At last, the guy returns, though somewhat bloodied and with his clothes torn to pieces. "Okay, now," says the guy, "where's that lady with the gold tooth?"

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"